Now What?
I have been wanting to start this project for a long time. When I finally took the step and talked with my friend about how to do it, she basically said, “ just start writing”. So that’s what I did. Writing for my first blog.. I do know that I am capable of so much, I just need to make myself do the work and have the right people with me on this journey. I like working. I like creating. I am liking writing. . Sooo……, what now…
Start writing.
Ok, what do I speak on? Should I only speak on experiences? Should I share personal and professional life stories? Should I jump right in and say that this world isn’t for me anymore? No. that sounds dark and cryptic, and would most likely be taken the wrong way. But, this world isn’t for me anymore, anyways. You might just understand that, because after all, you’re reading this right?
What do I mean? Does that mean I no longer want to be here? Does that mean that I would rather just leave the earth on my own terms? See? Dark and depressing. Shouldn’t blogs be inspirational? Should they be positive and uplifting and happy and lighthearted, so you want to keep reading until the end? Probably. But, What happens when I just don’t feel lighthearted and positive? Do I resort to my old stand by of the “make me” mindset? I don’t know. So I’ll start by only being me, unfiltered.
I’m someone that could offer alternatives to your own thoughts and feelings. I believe that my life experiences, have substance. And that substance has guided me through my life.
Introductions. I wrote on a former social media “friend’s” post once that I am a woman of many convictions. A child of divorce, a daughter of an estranged parent, the daughter of adoption, a daughter of a law enforcement family, a wife of addiction, a step daughter of unusual particularities, a girl mom, a boy mom, the wife of recovery, the proud mom, and a mom of loss. A woman of substantial insecurity, and fragile self esteem who is starting to embrace the things I have always hated about myself. And honestly, a lot more.
Hopefully, as I journey through all of what is to come my way, I will be able to create a sense of connection though. For us to be seen and heard through my experiences, and hopefully connect, with those of you who are in need of someone to listen.
Ok… now… what?
XOXO
Briana
Afterthoughts
When I re-read what I wrote most times… I surprise myself and have valuable realizations/ thoughts that I’d love to share… You can read them below.
Post-script: Now what?
When thinking about My Second Half Self, and what I wanted to offer, for anyone reading and following along, is a perspective. We all have our journeys. We all have our great times and bad times, great loves, great friendships, great experiences, etc.
OK. But. Now what?
When you merely exist through the bad, you may all of a sudden feel like you need control over something, anything to change your focus to be positive, or to be productive. A need to have a solid hold on the nothing in your heart and arms now.
Most of the writing in my posts and entries is done over long periods of time. Then I go back and edit, add, and subtract. I write through tears a lot of the time, and I need to ensure that my emotions take a front seat but not the only seat. I am still the driver. For better or worse, I am the driving force to keep all of this on track. I can only promise to be authentic. I can only be the one true person that I am. I acknowledge that I am not everyone’s “cup of tea”. I am ok with that now. I have to be. I have loved and lost so much. I need to stay the course and I need to make Will proud. This is for you, buddy.
I love you.
Mom
Hollow, silent, tearful, nauseous, nervous, complete and total decimation of all feelings inside my soul. Who can help me cope with that? No one. Grief and grieving are individual gauntlets, and in those moments I didn’t want to live through anymore gauntlets. Especially not this one.