Let’s Just Wing It

Should I just wing it, when it comes to all of this? My mom was a wing it person-- so lets do that.

Mostly, this blog is for me and how I navigate my normal that doesn’t always feel real and hopefully I will make you smile, laugh, frown, cry, and most of all reflect. I need to get all of this out there. I need to figure out where I go from here.

Ok wings, lets fly…

We lost our son, William Lee Hardy on May 9, 2023. He was only 19 years old. Will was 4 months away from his 20th birthday. We only had 19 years with him. That’s not enough.

We were cheated and robbed of our son. Our son was robbed of his life. Killed by his best friend. In a car crash attributed to alcohol. When you are with the person you trust most in the world, aside from your family, and that person makes choices that have the most extreme consequences, it makes it extremely complicated.

Losing Will in the way we did, left us in a strange and unusual state of purgatory. The worst possible thing that could ever happen to our son, happened. He was killed in a car crash. At 19 years old. I choose not to call it an accident. Because what happened was not accidental. I know it will haunt his friend for the rest of his own life. But, he made choices and those choices have consequence. Will paid the ultimate price.

So many tears, so many whys asked. So many sleepless nights that have no end and no beginning.

Each day I wake up, in my second half of my life. I now live in a world of before and after. I have had lots of before’s and after’s. Before losing Will, I was ready to finally grow in my career. I loved what I did, and truly felt fulfilled by my job. I liked it, and I loved the results I was getting from what I was doing. After, I have no desire to ever go back into that career field. I have zero desire to be tolerated as a manager or as a boss or as a leader. Before, I was growing and learning how to be a mentor, a support for employees and team members. I could help others see potential in themselves. I loved making connections with the members of the private social clubs I worked in. I loved creating moments for families, and husbands and wives, and creating lifelong bonds with some of the very best people I had ever met. Now, after losing Will, I am trying to figure out how to survive without hating the world, and everyone in it. Sounds dramatic. I know. Sounds strange, but in order to hate you have to have love. And for those who have wronged us, I feel indifferent. I just don’t care. That is the ultimate slap in the face right? To just not care? One day there will come a time when my anger comes to fruition. When it takes over my mind and soul like a tsunami of sadness and tears, and hopefully, it wont get me into any actual trouble.

But for now, I will focus on what is right in front of me each day. I will memorialize Will and I will keep talking about him because he deserves to be remembered. He was a great kid. And he was figuring out his life path. He was plotting and planning out his future. He was my son, and he was my friend.

I am just realizing this now, but, I think this text exchange happened on the day of the car crash. At 8:47pm. Around 11:30 that night, May 5, 2023. My son’s friend took my son’s life.

I texted her checking in and just to say hi. She and her daughter were having some quality time together. I texted back, “My favorite thing in the whole wide world is enjoying the same things as my kiddos, as they get older!! Isn’t it the best?”

This is what I know for sure, I will figure out my second half self while honoring his life that never got started.

XOXO

Briana

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Afterthoughts

When I re-read what I wrote most times… I surprise myself and have valuable realizations/ thoughts that I’d love to share… You can read them below.

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Postscript: Let’s Just Wing It

 When my mom passed away, I was only 31 years old.  Pretty young to start losing parents.  My heart breaks for young people who lose their parents in childhood or young adulthood. I still need my parents.  They should be here, right now, helping me cope with losing Will. She was only 52 years old when she passed away. 

When growing up, my mom would often tell me that she had no idea what she was doing as a parent.  She would say, “I’ve been a child.” Or “I’ve been where you’re at, but I’ve never been a mom before.” “I’m just wingin’ it Briana”.  

When she passed away, so many asked if I was going to speak at her funeral.  At first, I was 100% against it. Over time, and after many conversations with people, I decided I would honor my mom the best way I knew how.  I do not remember too much of what I said. But, I do remember stating that over the course of growing up, my mom “winged it” a lot, and that was just what I was going to do at her funeral service.

So, I “winged it” I wrote down some one-word notes, to try and keep my mind on track. But I spoke from my heart and soul. Nothing scripted, nothing written by someone else that I just read off of a piece of paper. 

I don’t know what I am doing. I’m “wingin it” every day.  Most days I am successful and on the days and times I fail.  I try again another way.

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