Control it All

I am that person that cannot control her tears when confronted. My emotions and heart betray me when I get angry, frustrated, and even happy. I most of the time tell people not to be too nice to me, because they will make me cry. I am the woman whose emotions double cross me when I try to show strength. I used to hate it. I used to think I would get so much more from myself if I could just control the crying.

I cry everyday now. I am crying as I write this. Sometimes I start my day with coffee and tears. Sometimes I cry in the hot shower, and let my tears get washed away. Sometimes, I cry as I turn over and start the process of trying to sleep. I do not know when the tears and emotions will come. They show up when they want. I have no control over them. Even after recognizing this is how I cope with highly intense situations, I am not comfortable with the lack of self-control. My inner voice says things like, “Get it together.” “Don’t walk into a workout crying.” “Stop crying when someone holds the door for you at the coffee shop.” “Just quit it.”

How do I keep my control? How do I continue to hold on to my emotions when my emotions are stronger than my ability to keep them contained? The crying increases, and the lack of control over the tears grows the more I try to stifle them. If I just let my tears fall and stop in the moment, and feel the feelings, I get through the episode faster. Most people don’t notice anyway, and the ones that do, either just keep moving, probably thinking about what made me cry. Or they think nothing of my public display of emotion. I do notice that older generations of people are way more observant to my tears. They show their empathy with smiles, glances, and sometimes nods of recognition. In my heart, I hear them say, “I know that hurt.” “I’ve felt that kind of pain too” Just acknowledging that neither of us is alone. Younger people don’t notice. That is fine with me, because they just don’t get it. And I really hate it when someone notices, understands, and then shows actual empathy. That just gets me going all over again.

Control it all.

“You can only control what you can control” right? This quote came out of my mouth a couple of weeks ago when talking with a friend. It just came out. But it made me want to speak on it. I realize now that my lack of control in stressful situations is not weakness, but my humanity peeking through my sequestered soul.

XOXO

Briana

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Afterthoughts

When I re-read what I wrote most times… I surprise myself and have valuable realizations/ thoughts that I’d love to share… You can read them below.

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Postscript: Control it All

Writing the last line in this entry was really powerful. It sits with me. More than other lines I have written, but not as much as some. Now, when I talk about losing Will, if I struggle, I ask for grace and patience. Some days, I can talk about Will very easily and with great love. Always with great love. But on the days, it is harder, I realize now that I am human. I do not have to hide myself any longer for people. Sometimes, you just need to say it out loud. I am human, with human emotions that are uncontrollable sometimes. Everyone is understanding and apprehensive in the pause of conversation, and what comes next is usually empathy and “I’m sorry’s” which are appreciated. Losing our loved ones is never easy. Most of the time, I just let my words hang in the air for comfort. It makes me feel good when someone thinks about Will. We need everyone to remember our loved ones more than ever. Please don’t forget them. Please don’t forget us.

XOXO

B

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