Nothing. There is nothing great about losing a loved one. There’s really nothing great about losing your child. When the lights go out, and the darkness and silence are all I have, there’s nothing great about any of this.

When I lost my mom, I was angry and sad and had nothing positive going on in my heart and soul. I was struggling to keep my marriage on stable ground, I was trying to show my kiddos that I was still mom, and present for them when they needed me. I had to be strong for my mom, I felt that I had to be strong for my sister, and I felt I had to show all my haters, that they were wrong about me. Not that I have so many ‘haters’ per say. I am sure I was more concerned with my circle of people talking about me behind my back. I now know and understand that my overthinking and extreme self-consciousness, were the driving voices behind my insecurities.

Man, I’ve lost a lot of people already. All my grandparents are gone. Understandable. My mom passed away in 2009. Too young, she was only 52 years old. My Dad passed away 10 years later. The man I call ‘the biological “dad”’ passed in between. And Will. That is a lot of loss in a very short amount of time. I cry alone a lot. I do not like to show my weakness to the world. I never have. I am not good at opening up, and my negative thoughts take over a lot. Most of the time, I don’t even realize it. Even now, when my husband and I are just hanging out and we are talking about the most common things, I usually have a snarky, negative comment that makes him look bad.

Let me clarify.

He sends me a funny meme... it’s funny and maybe a little sarcastic, I immediately overthink and ask him if he thinks that about me. No! It’s just funny! And maybe a little relatable. But I always take it to the negative. I’m trying to get better.

What is great about living without Will? Nothing. However, I have the greatest bonds with the most amazing people. My husband and I are more in sync. I truly believe that if we hadn’t been too stubborn in our younger years, we would not make it through this grief process. It’s great that we have mutual understanding of each other. My daughter and I are more understanding of our differences in communication and are learning how to speak our hearts and minds with more transparency. My friends show up without me having to ask. Truthfully, I couldn’t get rid of them, even if I wanted to. My support system is 100% more than I could ever ask for. They give me strength that I forget that I have. They prop me up when I feel like I am faltering, and they are unbelievable. They push me through and pull me out of dark places and stand still with me in those same dark spaces. They show up. In turn, I am able to show up for myself and my daughter and husband. The greatest gift of all are those who love me through all of this. But, no, there is nothing so great about this.

XOXO

Briana

Afterthoughts

When I re-read what I wrote most times… I surprise myself and have valuable realizations/ thoughts that I’d love to share… You can read them below.

Postscript: What’s So Great About This?

We will all lose our loved ones. I have lived through a lot of sad and extremely unsettling passings of people close to me. We will all be affected by losing people. There is nothing great about losing our loved ones. One day we will all have the realization that life is fragile. Life is never guaranteed to any of us.

But, what is so great about this? My Second Half Self is great! Already, I have connected with amazing people who have lost their children. I will speak about their hurt when they are unable. I have connected with family and friends who have all kinds of challenges. I will always tell their stories through their eyes and with their voices. I will show you all how I am growing through this. I will show you how I cope with my feelings, and thoughts and I will also make sure you know that you are not alone. Whether you are a caregiver, or a daughter, or mom, sister, aunt, you are not alone, and we are all here to create a community of support through what you are living through. I will make Will proud, and I will hopefully make you all proud as well. I will always be open to connecting to others’ struggles. I will be anyone’s voice and advocate.

XOXO