Most Likely To Bail Us Out

I had a weekend away recently. To celebrate an amazing woman who has forged her way in this world with no apologies and being her truest self. There were 16 amazing women who created the time in their lives to make the greatest memories for my friend’s upcoming nuptials. We are all in our late 30’s and early to mid-40’s. No Drama Mamas! We all had a really good time. One of the activities of the weekend was all of us wearing a specially made shirt that described us in this “party” atmosphere. My shirt was spot on, and I wear it all the time now.

My shirt read “Most Likely To Bail Us Out”. Fitting for me. I will always try to step up and help someone who has helped me, or who I know would help me if they were asked to. That is what makes this tough for me. How do I bail out my family from this nightmare? How do I protect them from this awful miserable hurt?

What do you do for your people who are grieving the same loss as you? What do you do as Mom and Wife? How am I supposed to help our daughter through losing her younger brother? How am I supposed to help my husband lose his son? Why isn’t someone helping me? Why do I feel like I am in a cage at the zoo, and everyone keeps looking at you. They are watching you. Waiting for your reaction to every piece of information. Information that will never ever be positive.

There were so many people surrounding us in love, comfort, laughs, and, some would say, totally inappropriate humor. I don’t remember any of it. Memories come back in flashes. Like movie flashbacks, quick and silent but full of silent emotion.

What is Silent Emotion? Silent Emotion shows up uninvited, astonishingly strong, and eerily silent. Silent Emotion arrives in the tears that fall because your heart and soul cannot support the rise of hysteria and sadness inside your ribcage any longer. “Sometimes you have to let a little bit out to make room for the new”. My husband said that once. We were watching tv and I looked over and saw him struggling with holding in his aches and sobs of sadness. I asked him, “are you ok”? knowing full well that neither of us would be “ok” from now on. I wanted to help him through it. I wanted to take his sobs and bring them into my empty soul so he would not have to continue to suffer. I needed to be able to bail him out.

My daughter is the older sibling. The Big Sister. She is smart, hilarious, curious, beautiful, and as most people say, perfect. How was I going to help her with losing her brother? They were close. They had a kinship like I never had with my younger siblings. Their adult selves were starting to recognize each other. Their friendship was in full bloom, and they appreciated each other. They were starting their grown-up sibling relationship. They were friends!! How do I bail her out from this nightmare? Maybe I’m the one that needs bailed out? I’m strong and independent and smart and capable, but bailing us out of this, of this never ending cycle of ache and pain on repeat?

But no I am the ‘Most Likely To Bail Us Out’. Gosh, am I grateful for the friends who recognize this and I am more grateful for the humor found in it, because it is so true!!!! During our bachelorette weekend trip I indeed ‘bailed out’ some of the crew by driving 3 minutes into town and picking up anyone who could fit in my car and bring them back to the safety of the home we rented out for the weekend. Because that... too easy.

XOXO

Briana

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Afterthoughts

When I re-read what I wrote most times… I surprise myself and have valuable realizations/ thoughts that I’d love to share… You can read them below.

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Postscript: Most Likely To Bail Us Out

This was a fun entry to write.  It brought me back to the girls getaway that prompted the post. And although the entry is tough to read through with the sadder stuff, I go back and re-read it with excitement.  

The substance that I put into this blog post is pretty raw and most of it is all natural. Not too much was edited.  I enjoy reading it again, because I need to keep remembering life.   

I have felt alone a lot in my life.  Always on an island, trying to find my lane, or role, if you will.   My dad was a police officer, so I was the cop’s kid.  I had my mom’s attitude, so I was the one that my teachers got mad at a lot. I was the friend who wasn’t and still isn’t scared to debate with my friends’ parents. I always thought I was in the right, and they always did a great job of redirecting my attitude when needed.  I was the first one in our friend group to have a baby. That was tough!  I am also the first one to lose parents, and sadly the only one to lose my child.  I do not want any of my friends and family to endure the losses we have.  I wish I could be the person to go about seeking out their pain and hurt and take it away and feel it for them.  I want to be the one to keep bailing us out, because I think that is my role.  I now think I was made to endure.  

I don’t love it, but I continue to handle things with as much grace as I can. 

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